ISSUE 26: Are You The Teacher's Pet?
Here at HANDBAGS AT DAWN, every discussion is an opportunity for a pageant. This round, I'm trying to resolve a perennial dilemma by finding out what makes the perfect work bag.
Handbags at Dawn (@h4ndbagsatdawn) is an occasional newsletter dedicated to those who (want to) know what a minaudière is.
It’s hot. I’m sweaty, unemployed and persistently looking for the next holiday à la vacanza queen, HRH Dua Lipa. This could only mean one thing – the academic year has officially finished and my very-part-time role as an associate lecturer has come to an end; at least until January. And in case you haven’t been following the live coverage over on HBAD’s Instagram (wow, rude), you might have missed one of the most tense sporting events since Eurovision 2007 (Scooch was robbed). Ew, no, it’s not Formula 1. I’m talking about the Best Work Bag Championship, hosted in and around the new-ish London College of Fashion campus in Stratford.
My reporting might be as patchy as my back hair (very), but that doesn’t mean the contest hasn’t been taking place in the background. As the harsh-yet-supportive teacher that I am, notes have been taken, bags have been trotted and internal discussions have been had. The results are in – scroll to find out who gets crowned with the title of America's Next Drag Superstar. The winner gets a crown and sceptre courtesy of Fierce Drag Jewels dot com... oh, wait, wrong show. I meant, who is still in the running to be America's Next Top Mo- no, not that one either.
Whatever, read on to find out what makes the perfect work bag for a 32YO homosexual university lecturer trying to impress a group of Gen-Z fashion students while trying to appear somewhat professional…
10th Place: JW ANDERSON Keyts Tote Bag
On first impression, the bag’s visual impact is hitting a peak, especially when embellished with a phallic JW Anderson keyring in matching colours. Appropriate for a fashion journalism lecturer? I think so! HOWEVER – and yes, it’s a big however – this bag doesn’t close with a 14-inch laptop in it. On top of that, once the laptop is in, the focal chain detail has to hang inside the bag which makes the bag lose its identity. And while I can make a lot of excuses for something pretty, fitting laptop in a werq bag is non-negotiable. In fact, this whole bag-that’s-almost-big-enough-for-a-laptop-but-not-quite is a pandemic, especially with a lot of British fashion designers. Where is the BFC campaign for that?
VISUAL STATEMENT: 66
SIZE & FIT: 19
PRACTICALITY: 22
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 3
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 27
9th Place: KIKO KOSTADINOV Mobius Bag
I swear I’m not a size queen, but I do believe that a perfect fit exists. While this Kiko bag offers ample personality and storage space in the form 12 (!) mini pockets strewn across it, it fits the aforementioned 14-inch laptop only if you shove it on a specific angle. Once it’s in, you have to work hard on zipping it up and then it will sit quite stiffly as a cross-body. The combo of the fabrication and the shape does indeed give slight futuristic vibes that wouldn’t look out of place hanging off the shoulder of a 5th Element stewardess – in blue of course – which might be good for getting the attention of Gen-Z fashion students. The bag itself is also light and weatherproof, which means it could probably rank higher in the swim or gym categories.
VISUAL STATEMENT: 63
SIZE & FIT: 28
PRACTICALITY: 35
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 1
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 33
8th Place: VINTAGE Patent School Bag from Tokyo
We’re heading to a land far, far away with this scarlet babygirl. Bought for a Yen equivalent of 19 quid, this bag has a silhouette that instantly takes you back to school. What I really love is the patent material, which is both reflective and repellent, as well as its roomy interior. The issue with this bag is the fact that you can only carry it one way (in your hands) and the handles are pretty uncomfortable as they dig into your palms after approx. 2 minutes. By the end of the day, I had open wounds and was wearing it like an oversized clutch, under my arm. Still, a cutie that will have its outing again next year – but only on a sunny day because even a touch of rain and your Macbook better have AppleCare.
VISUAL STATEMENT: 50
SIZE & FIT: 56
PRACTICALITY: 24
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 0
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 49
7th Place: LUELLA Gisele Bag
Named after the Brazilian supermodel and once favoured by both Xtina and Reese Witherspoon (who knew they had something in common?), the Luella Gisele is a forgotten icon ready for its comeback. In fact, it’s recently been profiled on British Vogue which means the bag’s resale price might be facin gan increase soon – so grab a deal while you can. There’s no shortage of these bags on all pre-loved platforms, though their condition and colours do vary. I was lucky to nab a juicy bubblegum pink version on eBay for £24 (!!!!) which had its first outing within hours of being delivered. There’s something totally comforting about the look of this bag – like bumping into that girl you sat next to in high school and hearing what she’s up to these days. So, why is this hun not ranking higher? The thick, sturdy leather is weighty and the bag barely closes with the laptop inside it. On top of that, the handles don’t go past the nook of your elbow – at least they don’t on my chunky arms. Although, there is a later version of the bag with longer handles which might do the trick.
VISUAL STATEMENT: 60
SIZE & FIT: 51
PRACTICALITY: 48
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 2
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 53
6th Place: GUCCI by Tom Ford Nylon & Leather Tote Bag
Let’s take a breather from the heavy-impact contenders you’ve seen so far as I indulge you in a tall drink of lukewarm tap water that will quench your thirst but do nothing else. I’m talking about this late 1990s, early 00s Gucci tote bag that is mostly corporate but also a bit sultry in its minimalist character. Look, this bag would feel like a much better fit for Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy than the Zara bullshit Ryan Murphy is trying to flog as vintage, although that doesn’t say much. It’s dependable and comfortable to carry due to its lightness, but it surely doesn’t deserve any design awards. It’s the definition of mid, which is totally fine by me.
VISUAL STATEMENT: 12
SIZE & FIT: 70
PRACTICALITY: 81
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 0
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 55
5th Place: COMME DES GARÇONS SHIRT PVC Tote Bag
I feel like this is the biggest bump, as reflected in the Top Tr*mps-style scoring system I’ve employed here. There’s a special place in my heart for this bag because it’s a style I coveted for years before finding it at one of Dover Street Market’s notorious sample sales at 90% off. Just for that, I think quite highly of its character. But then the reality kicks in and you realise it’s simply a plastic-covered canvas tote bag with handles that should kinda sorta almost fit on your shoulders but they actually don’t. There’s also no closure on it, which puts it into a chic beach bag territory rather than a work bag contender.
VISUAL STATEMENT: 86
SIZE & FIT: 56
PRACTICALITY: 47
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 4
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 63
4th Place: JW ANDERSON Jumbo Bumper Bag
I originally ordered a cobalt blue version of JW Anderson’s XL Bumper bag on sale a couple of years ago – and as I took it out of the box I couldn’t stop laughing. No, you don’t really understand, it was cartoonish in its proportions which also made me fall in love with it in the first place. I ended up returning it then because it seemed a bit too unpractical for £810, but it stayed on my mind for about a year before I saw the brown version for way less at TK Maxx. Not your usual Maxxinista, buying it felt a little like cheating on my fashion principles. But what’s the point of ethics if you never bend the rules? Considering the neutral shade, the 70% discount and the fact that I’ve already held it once before, the bag’s colossal size suddenly felt a bit less silly. Unsurprisingly, all these pros muddled the fact that the bag weighs as if it’s been packed for a full weekend away even without anything in it. The jumbo version of one of my favourite styles (seriously, Bumpers 4evah) fits everything you might need if you decide to stay the night at the office, but will indeed leave your shoulder broken by the time you get to the tube station. Still, it’s a collector’s piece that wears really nicely with time thanks to the textured leather. Hence, deserving of the wooden medal!
VISUAL STATEMENT: 65
SIZE & FIT: 90
PRACTICALITY: 48
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 1
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 69
3rd Place: GUCCI by Tom Ford Jumbo Jackie
Continuing the run of oversized takes on a classic bag, we enter the actual medal territory with this big, bad babe. Acquired for £200 via Chiswick Auctions, it’s a true piece of fashion history thanks to André Leon Talley toting a brown monogram version back in 1999. It’s a style that feels evergreen and, even if doesn’t age particularly well (you can see signs of wear both in the leather and on the canvas), I will have it forever. The size is pretty optimal for a day bag, and the trapezoid shape helps squeeze a few more bits than you might need. It has a zip closure and fits perfectly as a cross-body. That’s unless you stuff it full which in turn makes it sit as if you’re carrying around a heavy pillow. Sadly, I don’t think any of my fashion students recognised its importance by paying me a compliment (wow) which was disappointing considering its long-lasting legacy.
VISUAL STATEMENT: 73
SIZE & FIT: 84
PRACTICALITY: 66
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 0 TOP T*UMPS RATING: 80
2nd Place: MOLLY GODDARD Dara Tote Bag
Now we’re getting into an area of ingenuity which is quite under-considered when it comes to the fashion bag category. I first saw Isamaya Ffrench use it as a travel bag before adding it to my wishlist. As per, several months of patience resulted in getting this bag for half the price – even though £300 still seemed steep at the time for a nylon bag. However, this bag delivered more than I ever could have expected. Even though it doesn’t seem that big, it fits a laptop as well as a swimming kit – yes, flip flops included. The strap is fully adjustable and adds a sort of ASMR, fidget toy quality to the bag. I could honestly spend a full hour adjusting the poppers and never get bored. The signature Molly shirring is charming and the black – though not my favourite; I wish I had the tomato red version, but it was sold out – makes the bag durable. The only thing that would take this hun to the top spot would be a rain-friendly zipper closure, though that would probably modify the stunning bucket shape that makes it such a favourite. If you see this one on the resale market – do not ponder, just buy!
VISUAL STATEMENT: 71
SIZE & FIT: 83
PRACTICALITY: 88
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 4
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 88
1st Place: KIKO KOSTADINOV Mezulari Bag
This might be the second bag from Laura & Deanna Fanning on this list, but it’s definitely a worthy winner. Possibly one of the strongest handbag designs in recent history, the Mezulari combines elements of traditional satchels (remember the Cambridge Satchel mania?) with the slouchy, hobo quality of 00s classics from MiuMiu, Chloé and Stella McCartney. It’s the right balance of practical (a small inside pocket and two outside ones, a handle + an adjustable strap) and roomy, with enough space for everything you might need for a day at the office. Extra points for the gorgeous textured suede that, with time and wear, adds vintage character and depth to the colour. If there ever was a note it would be that this bag lacks a bit of hardware to contrast against the luxe leather, though the most recent version has a metal loop added to the side so all of your charms and stuffed toys (please don’t say the L word!) can hang off it. In a world where perfection is overrated, this angel really comes close to making the perfect work bag. Now prance my queen, prance!!
VISUAL STATEMENT: 83
SIZE & FIT: 94
PRACTICALITY: 92
COMPLIMENTS FROM STUDENTS & STAFF RECEIVED: 3
TOP T*UMPS RATING: 95
