Issue 16: Let's Get Quizzical!
HANDBAGS AT DAWN // Move over Cosmo, this is the *only* semi-offensive quiz you should take this summer in order to find the perfect bag for your personality.
Handbags at Dawn (@h4ndbagsatdawn) is a fortnightly newsletter that lands into your inbox every other Thursday – around lunchtime, London-time.
In case you somehow avoided being bombarded by the incessant stream of stories I shared via Instagram (congrats!), you might have missed the fact that I spent the past couple of weeks frolicking up and down the coast of Croatia. And what’s a summer holiday without going through back issues of Cosmo and revisiting all the problematic quizzes that make you question your friendship/work/relationship/fave sex position? I personally like to take the route of performance art by transforming the act of taking the test into an intimate, interactive and interpretative performance with a tightly curated audiences of three to five friends who are willing to listen. One of my recent favourites is a quiz that offers insight into your personality according to the place you leave your credit card. That’s the art of personality tests – the questions might feel mundane, but the scientific experts behind them aka me can find a research-based path to answering some major life-defining questions.
It only then felt appropriate to share the wisdom I accumulated over the years and create a quiz of my own, a tool of self-discovery that uses bags as symbols of inner beauty. See, the nonsense is already kicking in…
WARNING: The result of this test can change your outlook on life so make sure to proceed with caution and honesty. In case no answer fits perfectly, choose the one that feels the most accurate.
QUESTION 1: You’ve just met a friend’s friend at a party and they’ve clearly had too much to drink. You watched them break three glasses and insult four people, and somehow you’re the person they feel most attached to at this point. Even your friend has departed and left you to handle the situation. What do you do?
a) Exchange phone numbers with your new friend, call them an Uber on their phone (that way they can’t mess up your rating) and make sure they get into the taxi. You also ask them to message when they get home. Otherwise, you won’t be able to sleep.
b) Get them another voddie soddie – what’s wrong with having fun?
c) Leave and never think about them again.
d) Pretend you’re also super drunk, tell the friend’s friend you’re going to the toilet, find someone else to look after them and actively avoid bumping into them for the rest of the party as you try to have the time of your life.
QUESTION 2: If you had to wear only one shade of one colour for the rest of your life, which one would it be?
a) Something bright or neon.
b) Dark green.
c) I don’t wear colour, only shades of grey and black will do.
d) Anything from the neutral family.
QUESTION 3: Your partner just told you they want to have a threesome. What’s your initial reaction?
a) “Do you already have someone in mind? Is it Dylan? And how would it all go down? I’m wondering what I should wear for the occasion…”
b) “Finally! I’ve been asking since last November.”
c) You roll your eyes and say nothing – threesomes are so passé.
d) “HAHAHHA you’re hilarious I don’t have a partner.”
QUESTION 4: Along with some bills and a promotional leaflet for a new pizza takeaway place nearby, you find a thick letter in your mailbox. SURPRISE – it’s a wedding invite from that friend’s friend you met at a random party a few months ago. Apparently, they met the love of their life while being wrecked. What’s your RSVP?
a) Duh, it’s my own wedding! After putting the friend’s friend into the taxi with my jumper, they came to my place to return it the next day and we’ve been inseparable ever since. We now even share an Uber account!
b) Of course I’m gonna go – it’s a free party.
c) No f*cking way, I didn’t even go to my sister’s wedding. Also, how the f*ck did they get my address?
d) It depends… Who else is going? Do I have to be super formal? Can’t be bothered if I need to wear black tie. Also, why can’t I find the love of my life even if I’m not as much of a mess?
QUESTION 5: You have just found out that one of your favourite bands/musicians is playing in a big venue close to where you live. Sadly, the tickets are sold out. What do you do?
a) You post across all of your social media accounts (including BeReal and Linkedin) asking if anyone is selling their tickets. When no one replies, you message a friend who works in music PR with a “cheeky favour” and chase them on all social media platforms including via Whatsapp. It’s your favourite band/musician after all and they’ll totally understand…
b) You’ll get ready and go to the venue on the day of the show and hope for the best as there’s usually extra tickets on the door. Alternatively, you’ll just make friends with the security or sneak in…
c) Who cares, right? They’ll probably come again and you’ve also heard this tour’s production is quite crap anyway.
d) After crying a little while playing your favourite song, you dust yourself off and decide to watch loads of interviews with the musician/band in order to make yourself think you’re friends with the band. You then jokingly message the lead vocal via IG asking for a ticket by referencing an inside joke they shared in one of the interviews, but quickly unsend the message because OMG how embarrassing.
TA-DA YOU’RE DONE – CONGRATS! SCROLL FOR RESULTS…
RESULTS:
MOSTLY a) ANSWERS: Too Much Tati
You’re something a traditional personality test might call a “type A”. You love the idea of having fun, but prefer to do it in a controlled environment. For that reason, your ideal bag is something practical and somewhat chic with a dash of humour. A cross-body strap is a must and if you feel wild on the day, you might even add a cute charm you got on your holiday. In theory, you should totally get one of the AW22 Chopova Lowena colourblock taffeta totes. But realistically, you will probably be happier with a second-hand Proenza Schouler Mini PS11 in an unexpected colour choice. It’s the kind of bag that will always fit a bit more than you need and can pull in looks from those who know without taking away from your exuberant personality.
MOSTLY b) ANSWERS: Anything Goes Annie
If I called you “a bit of a wild child” you’d just laugh it off and go jump off a building while getting a tattoo with a pet snake around your neck, right? Well, I won’t do it don’t worry. You’re arguably the hardest person to choose a bag for, mostly because you prefer to carry everything you need (phone, a single key and a loose chewing gum) in your pockets. But just in case the seams in your pockets get loose, I’d recommend going for something fun and outdoorsy i.e. this hiking cross-body from Topo Designs. Anything that looks a bit random and accidental will work. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to change you, just please stop shoving everything in your pockets. PLEASE!
MOSTLY c) ANSWERS: Seriously Serious Sandy
What can I tell you that you don’t already know about yourself? Honestly, I’m quite shocked you even got all the way to this part. You’re the kind of person that will see a personality test and scoff it off, then go read Olivia Laing in a public space. I get it, you’re cool and serious about being cool. This should also be evident in your choice of bag. There’s absolutely no point in looking further than the chicest of chic aka the altar of Olsens aka The Row. Take your pick depending on the mood – Half Moon for when you’re feeling mysterious, Jules the oversized shoulder bag for a lazy day, and a chocolate brown reversible nylon tote for a Sunday stroll into Dover Street Market. Sorry, I know you hate being given advice – you’ll probs now do the exact opposite and go buy Versace just to spite me.
MOSTLY d) ANSWERS: Charmingly Anxious Charlie
Okay, this is your intervention. JKJK PLEASE DON’T FREAK OUT I’M JUST KIDDINNNNGGG. I know you’re a sensitive soul who requires and deserves only the best, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. My bag-dvice for you is not to question anything but really jump head first and *finally* get yourself one of the knitted Last Frame Market bags you’ve been eyeing for months. While they might feel a bit too garish and not the most practical at first, this serotonin boost in bag form will fill you with joy and make you feel like you can do anything. How can you look at the multicoloured stripes without cracking a smile?
*PEEK OF THE WEEK*
While I’m not 100% sure what my this week’s guest’s bag-sonality test result looks like, I do know he’s the kind of person who brings more booze to an already drunk party. He’s fun like that and his name is Alex Kessler (@_alexkessler). Alex is a Junior Fashion Editor at British Vogue and a really fab person to bump into at a fash party who will always make you feel comfortable. Like all the other people that were part of the PEEK OF THE WEEK before, he has terrific taste in bags and consistently brings out the sassiest pieces on the market. This brand new glitter Kiko Kostadinov Twisted Shopper is no different – a decidedly delectable piece of fashion heaven. Let’s see what’s hiding inside…
What does the inside of your bag say about you?
Alex: “I am always carrying a lot of shit, so this green glitter Twisted Shopper Kiko Kostadinov bag by Laura & Deanna Fanning is the perfect size. Yes, I am pretty blind, hence the specs (Cutler and Gross) and shades (also Kiko). As I have a work dinner this eve, I brought my toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant, so I'm not a disgusting little stinker in public. Lol. Sunscreen because, well, youth. And a book, because i like to pretend to read, sometimes.”